Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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