Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
