After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
