somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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