I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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