DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
