I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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