I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
