I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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