i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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