Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Less talking, more tequila
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
