Jerry, you need to find god
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Drunk is a universal language darling
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