i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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