omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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