So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize