Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
