alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
