I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Randomize