did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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