I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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