EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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