i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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