i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
