3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
