I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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