she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
