found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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