ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
