Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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