His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just gargled with NyQuil
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
