So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
