I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
