whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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