the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
