I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
