Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
