Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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