im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
