theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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