If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
