Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
