It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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