Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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