there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
me + whiskey = a bad person
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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