I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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