also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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