O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
