Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
