I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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