Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
ttyl tear gas
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
