3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize