I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
