So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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