You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
God I need to hump something, right now.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
