That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
