she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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