My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
