Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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