We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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