You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
