I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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