how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
