there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
