I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
