I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize