He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am spending my child support on dildos
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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