The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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