if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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